January 14, 2022

Talking About Periods With My Daughter Did Not Go to Plan

I noticed my sister-in-law squirming in her seat. After a while she slinked off quietly to the bathroom, mid-conversation with her husband, her brother (my husband) and me. When she came back, I correctly read her discomfort and asked her, loudly, if she had her period and whether she needed anything.

She hit her forehead with the palm of her hand in exasperation. "I knew you would blurt it out in front of everyone." Everyone being her husband and her brother. Did her husband not know that she has periods? My husband definitely knows about mine. I bellyache to all and sundry when I get my period, which has been a major source of embarrassment for him even after 16 years of marriage.

In fact, he is still against me ordering pads from our local grocer. His logic is that the delivery boys recognise us, and it is "icky" having them deliver pads or knowing my exact dates. These days I simply order pads online and they arrive in a plain box, which has ended that particular argument.

Why is talking about her period still so hush-hush?

Periods are still handled in hushed, reverential or disgusted tones, even among educated groups of people. In the early days of our marriage, hanging out with my husband's friends and their families, whenever I mentioned my period out loud there were eyes popping, eyes rolling, furtive glances exchanged and half-smirks passed around to mark the inane person in their midst talking about the taboo topic. All the while my husband turned different shades of red and purple.

Sixteen years later I see a big change in the same group. The men are more understanding, and some are even willing to talk about the discomfort and offer sympathy. The women are relieved to discuss their shared struggle out in the open, and happy to swap notes on their daughters' periods.

Let's have the period talk

My daughter is checking off the phases on her puberty checklist and is fast approaching her first period. Some of her friends and acquaintances are already menstruating. I must admit I am a bit apprehensive about it.

Recently, when one of our friends' daughters got her period, her mother did not know about it until a couple of days later, because the girl simply did not tell her. I always thought that since I was so "cool" and open about the topic, my daughter would never have to feel the stigma around menstruation. So I decided I was going to do it. I was going to talk about her period with my daughter.

A few days back, we decided to have "the talk" with my 12-year-old daughter and my 9-year-old son. Why the 9-year-old boy, you ask?

One, he should know about puberty, since he will go through it himself.

Two, every boy should understand the differences and similarities in the phases of puberty that boys and girls go through.

Third, and most important, every boy should be sensitised to menstruation and the physical and mental changes it brings, so that he will respect, empathise with and help any girl during her period. Educating boys about periods is as important as educating girls.

A very close friend of ours did just that with their 14-year-old son. His mother, his sister and his father each gave him a proper education on periods from their different perspectives, covering the technical, the emotional and the physical changes.

It had a profound effect on the boy. He now keeps a respectful distance from his sister and gives her space during her period, where before they used to be at each other like cats and dogs regardless. Of course, he continues to irritate and fight with her when she is not menstruating, but small victories.

The period talk did not go as planned

Back to the talk with my kids. I envisioned it going very smoothly, with "cool mom" scoring points on every question. So imagine my shock when we got a very different response. My daughter was in tears. She did not want to discuss the topic, she thought it was inappropriate, and she felt we were forcing the conversation on her against her wishes.

We had no idea she felt that way about periods. I was devastated, more so because I think I might be partly responsible for her views.

I have always had a heavy flow, and all my aches get really pronounced. It became a regular practice for me to push the kids away during my period, and the prevailing mood in the house was generally morose, snarly and out of action.

She must have picked up on my irritation and discomfort and formed her own ideas about the whole process. I tried to tell her that it was different when I was her age, and that yes, it is uncomfortable and sometimes painful, but she can manage it. It all fell on deaf ears.

She was adamant that she did not want to discuss the "disgusting" topic with her parents. My boy? Oh, he was very curious, and when we would not divulge the details he tried to guess which of their friends had already got their period. Needless to say, the talk did not go the way we planned.

Cultivating a healthy attitude towards menstruation

Regardless of our failed conversation, it is essential that we cultivate a healthy attitude towards menstruation at home. The hygiene side, and the emotional, physical and social changes, should be discussed with girls and boys as they approach puberty. If you want the practical version of what she needs to know, the first period guide for UAE parents lays it out calmly. It is high time we all understood that periods, and talking to our children about periods, are not a taboo but an integral and essential part of life.

So we are regrouping and taking a different approach. Continuing "the period talk", there will be a screening of Pad Man in our house this weekend.

By Smita Abraham, proud mother of a teenage girl

Frequently asked questions

What should I do if my daughter refuses to talk about periods?

Do not push. As Smita found, forcing a conversation can backfire, especially if a girl has already formed her own ideas from what she has seen at home. Step back, keep pads visible in the bathroom, make short factual comments when the topic comes up on its own, and leave a book or a printed guide where she can find it. Most girls come back to the subject when it is on their terms.

Should I include my son in the period talk?

Yes, in an age-appropriate way. Boys who understand what a period is, and that it can be uncomfortable, are far less likely to tease and far more likely to be kind to sisters, classmates and eventually partners. A curious 9-year-old is a good sign, even if the questions are a bit much. Keep answers short, plain and honest.

Does my own attitude to my period affect how my daughter sees hers?

Almost certainly. Children pick up far more from what they watch than from what they are told. If a mother is regularly in pain or in a low mood during her period, that is worth acknowledging openly, along with the fact that her daughter's experience may be quite different and that heavy or very painful periods are worth discussing with a doctor rather than simply enduring.

If you would rather skip the grocer entirely, LiZZOM Organic Ultrathin pads arrive in plain courier packaging anywhere in the UAE, with free delivery on orders over AED 50.